Friday, 15 November 2013


I like the crunch on my teeth as I bite into an apple
I like the way jelly bears feel on my teeth when I dip them in tea
I like to brush flesh past my teeth but bite it gently.
I hate food in the gap where my wisdom tooth should be
I hate the gap in my other tooth where I smashed some of it way.
I run my tongue across my teeth to check they're still there 
And snap them together to check they're still strong.
My teeth can bite, nip, chop, slice, chew and be lied through.

This is a thing I wrote in my day book ages ago. It's probably a poem. It might just be a thought.

Wednesday, 9 October 2013

Regeneration / Top 5 messy-but-worth-it Lush products.

I've decided to resurrect and regenerate my blog. 
The phase in my life I was chronicling is over now and I figured the most sensible option was to revert lots of my old posts back to draft and take them out of public consumption, I hope you all understand why and no one takes offence! However it means I can start writing lots of new things again. 
So with no further ado...

My Favourite Five messy-but-worth-it Lush products.

I worked for Lush for five years, so I'll declare my interest now. However I left the company to move onwards and upwards back in June - also to leave behind some unresolvable issues with my manager and trainee manager. I still love the products because of the blend of incredibly logical products that make getting clean feel like a luxury. 
Famously some of the products are pretty bloody messy and some of them aren't worth the fuss in my experience but the following five where I do mind a little mess and I can justify shelling out a few quid for. 

1.  Ultrabland £6.95/100g
Many people have failed to understand why Lush staff rave about this cleanser - until they've tried it for themselves usually. It's made with a mixture of beeswax, honey and almond oil as a make up remover called a 'cold cream' but recipes similar have been used since the ancient Egyptians to take off their famously colourful slap. It works because when you rub the mixture into your make up (giving yourself some magnificent panda eyes at the same time) it breaks down the oils and gunk in your make up, including mascara, eyeliner and pan stage make up so when you put lovely warm water on a flannel or cotton pad it all just lifts straight off your face. Magic.
Almost anyone can use this make up remover, because it's suitable from the dryest of dry skins all the way up to mega oily, spot prone skin. Dry skins love it because of benzoin resinoid in the ingredients which keeps skins supple and soft and oily skins can thrive on this stuff because of the breaking down of oil action it supplies meaning you can have soft skin which is miles less spotty usually. 
It can seem a faff switching from a make up cleansing wipes to ultrabland but it's completely worth it, your skin will love you for it because you'll be feeding it whilst getting it clean. It's fine for gents too - even non make up wearing ones. Yup, it can leave a fairly unpleasant scum on your sink but that's the stuff that's been on your face so stiffen your resolve and clean your sink a bit more regularly.

2. Buffy £10.75/200g
I was always happy to recommend this one when I worked for them and still find myself recommending it now (generally after a bit to drink and overhearing someone complain about their arms in bar toilets) It's a great big chunk of cocoa butter mixed up with scrubby rice bran and ground almonds and with some magic essential oils in there (lavender, lemon) which can near enough get rid of that nasty looking chicken skin on the tops of peoples arms. Also handy for cellulite and bobbly bottoms. It's a bit messy because when you use it in the shower you get a bit of cocoa butter on the shower floor (so no dancing in the shower afterwards!) and scrubby bits left behind but the visible difference in your skin afterwards means you often end up completely forgiving it. They also do a smaller 100g bar for £6.25 for first tries and holidays.

3. Fresh Face Masks £5.95/75g
I know keeping a face mask in the fridge might seem a bit strange but it's for the best in the long run. I've used a whole load of face masks but rarely seem to enjoy using any as much as the Lush ones. My two favourites Cupcake and Ayesha are both pretty messy being chocolate and kiwi based respectively. I'm not going to go into much detail about these two because I would always recommend asking your local Lush staff for advice rather than buying one just because you've read about it. They train really hard and will always make sure you get the best one for your skin. I love Ayesha and was pretty well known in the shop for not using it on my face.. but on my chest. It firms and perfects skin and makes everything look pretty spiffing and is great when you're going to be wearing something strappy. However rinsing kiwi seeds out of the bath is a bit of a pain, particularly if you forget to do it straight away and then freak the hell out because you think your bath is full of creatures.

4. Any Soap
I'm not kidding, I know solid soap seems old fashioned and leaves bubble scum on your soap dish but it's just better. Yup, just better. More hygienic, better value for money and much more of a pleasing experience. My favourites are Miranda (fruity) and Snowcake (Christmas only, marzipan scented.)

5. No Drought £6.75/115g
I love dry shampoo. Just do. I wear my hair pinned up most days and dry shampoo makes my hair more manageable  I also don't like washing it every single day because it's bleached and needs treating kindly most of the time. It's messy because it's a powder dry shampoo rather than spray in and so if you spill it you get little patches on your carpet (easily hoovered up though) but super fine cornflour soaks up excess oil and lemon and grapefruit oils balance your scalp out and make your hair smell like a tropical cocktail. To minimize the mess I stick my head upside down over the bath and put my No Drought in using my fingers over there, when I next shower or rinse the bath out the dry shampoo all disappears. Hurrah!

That sums up my favourite five messy but worth it Lush products - go visit their website to find out where your nearest one is and if you're in the area go buy things from the wonderful team at Lush Meadowhall - they're fab. 

Wednesday, 24 April 2013


I often wonder about my dreams, they vary from the odd to the frankly disturbing.
Since being young I have had the same recurring dream which in family shorthand became "Squish" where I travel down a conveyor belt get squished by a number of different plates and eventually get turned into a bowling ball. Bowled down a bowling alley and I'm still aware at this point I would be watched scooting down the alley by a little old lady at a table complete with doilies. I've had this dream maybe a couple of times a month for as long as I remember.

That aside my dream last night was frankly freaky and ridiculous. In some weird Lolita/Sci-Fi crossover I inhabited the body of a boarding school girl and also of Leonard Nemoy's Spock who was a teacher at said boarding school. From the Lolita reference, I bet you can guess where this is going....
So I am playing both parts in this dream remember, the girl is madly in love with her teacher and the Spock/teacher is strangely attracted to this girl. In the course of the dream Spock/teacher gets injured (his back I think) and is laying in the infirmary wing of the school when the girl sneaks in to see him. She assumes he's asleep laying on his front and so undresses to lay in the bed with him. He isn't, in fact, asleep, but pretends to be to see what the girl will do. So here I am, both this teenage girl (a hot bed of sexual desire, hormones and self importance - I remember) and also a teacher who looks and sounds like Spock. The teacher doesn't stir as she climbs in bed and so she's emboldened and naked climbs onto his back. She's laid with her breasts touching his shoulders, but otherwise flat, non sexual along his back.  Teacher/Spock is stirred by this and speaks to her, I can't remember the conversation but it ended with the girl saying "Yes, but I know you want me laid her. I'm making your back better." The two begin a relationship. Er, this is a sexy part of the dream, which I'm not going to write out on here. Not in detail anyway.
Time jump and the relationship has been discovered, the girl has been expelled and the teacher/Spock fired and the girl introduces him to her family - which are Dutch. Food is served at a tense dinner table with teacher/Spock giving a blessing beforehand which ends "Live long, and prosper" of course  the mother serves teacher/Spock a hearty meal from one of these funny looking serving dishes but the rest of the family gets a rather poorer meal of just potatoes and vegetables. 
Somewhere around here the dream ended, but it's probably the strangest one I've had in a while.

Thursday, 4 April 2013

Really, don't call me baby.

Being on a dating website has helped me really realise something. It's a little unsurprising to those people who know me but I am actually getting angry about it. Ok, here goes.
I hate pet names.
This isn't so arbitrary that I hate it when my friends call each other cherry-pie and similar, they're my friends, they know me very well indeed, we have a habit of making up the most ridiculous ones possible ("How're are you today my apple strudle?") they're usually dessert related too, which is funny. 
Also not included is in shops, a sales assistant/cashier calling you 'love' isn't really a pet name it's more a substitution for the words "You're a pain in the arse and I hate you, stop making a fucking fuss" or thoughts to that effect. I'm guilty of this myself when serving a particularly irritating person I make a point of being as super helpful and irritatingly chirpy just to slowly drive them insane. But this also means I understand when someone in a shop does it, I don't hate them for it. 
he (Lee) used to call me Miss _________  using my surname which I quite like because it was genuinely affectionate and just a little bit naughty.
But..oh but, the messages I get on this website plus normal communication with people I don't really know I get called sweetie, cutie, honey. If any of them knew me they wouldn't call me that - because I'm none of those things. I'm grumpy, vain, selfish and inconstant. Bitch would be a better pet name, although I'd be pretty pissed at that too.
Before I would just ignore it, pretend they weren't assuming they could use terms of affection with me but now I'm calling people out on it. They seem confused, one even stupidly told my he was doing it to be 'different', no pal, you're not being different you're being just like everyone else. You're being stupid, unimaginative, overly friendly and frankly assuming that because I'm on a dating website I'm desperate for love and affection. I'm not, I just like going on dates.
In discussion with the fabulous GG our motto for dating would be "turn up, eat everything, fuck off" I stand by this.
I think I remember wrestler calling me baby once, but it wasn't really as a pet name he'd probably just forgotten my real name for a moment. I called him out on it either way.
So seriously, unless it's a pet name that's actually  come out of knowing me. Really.
Really. Don't call me baby.

Monday, 18 March 2013

10 Things learnt from joining a dating website.

1) People are rubbish at composing message I want to respond to.
2) chubby guys love me. Sadly.
3) People have forgotten about punctuation. "hi how are you having a good day cute pic" makes me angry.
4) Things that I have written with a little sarcasm in my profile some people think I'm being serious about. These people are not for me.
5) Your opening line is "ur hot, wanna meet tonite. Ill drive"? Fuck off.
6) You're 20? I'm 23 mate and I'm looking for someone more mature than the sadsacks I'm currently bouncing between. You're just a baby.
7) Old enough to be my dad? Sod off. The sugar daddy thing on my facebook was a JOKE.
8) gingers love me too...
9) LOOK AT YOUR FACE MAN! You've not got a chance mate.
10) Another TWO fatties in the last ten minutes have messaged me.

Saturday, 23 February 2013

I've got a 1920's chin.

I often look at other people and wonder why they resemble lots of other people. I don't. I've spent occasional, intense periods of time trying to work out who if anyone outside of my immediate family I resemble. 
Myself, my two older sisters and my mum all look very similar - especially when we're all smiling (we all have exactly the same smile.)
However, my friend once told me I reminded of a silent movie actress and it took us ages to remember her name, it should have been easier - she was killed by the mob (allegedly)
Thelma Todd was mysteriously found dead of carbon monoxide poisoning in her car in a locked garage. 
Here she is, in some pretty soft focus, with lovely long hair that I could only dream of. And a rather nice frock
In pictures such as this one I can see some similarities  between my features and hers although I think it's largely down to face shape and feature spacing. 
In the smaller picture too I see my daft grin although I'd love to be able to give those doe-eyes.

I draw more links between myself and Clara Bow-who was the original "It Girl" she hennaed her hair and had the most lovely shaped lips I've ever seen. Clara Bow was a bit crazy and had all sorts of scandalous things linked to her, she was the original 'her and the whole of the football team' lady!  Accused of such outrageous acts as exhibitionism and lesbianism she seemed to go a little crazy and retired from public life in the 1930's.

I love this picture in particular, and I'm  fairly sure I've pulled that face on a number of occasions.
What both of these actress' have in common seems to be a very particular 1920's face shape and chin. Which would explain why none of today's actresses have a similar look (just not fashionable) which leads me to believe I was born around 100 years too late.
As I'm going through this period of re-invention, my hair is back to a natural colour and reasonable length I'm considering making a concious decision what style route to take next. I'm thinking 1920's bob that can be super smooth and pointy around the face or cute and curly like the classic finger curls on the pictures I've already shown.
 Basically I want to look like this. But still like myself.

Sunday, 10 February 2013

Richey Edwards

So I've just mentioned Richey Edwards to the Poetess . She didn't know who he was, so I wikipedia linked her to him. This could be the start of something truly beautiful because I can't think of anyone more perfect to introduce to her. I think she'll love him. It's something we should all go through.  
Of course in the evolution of the female Manics fan I've reached the stage where I fancy James Dean Bradfield but I still think he was an amazing man. 
And any guy that can apply eyeliner that well should get a fucking medal. 
Anyway she asked me the inevitable question of whether I think he's vanished or dead. My honest answer is that he probably did commit suicide, but I hope Hope that he's alive somewhere and happy. It's all you can hope for another human being sometimes.